This doesn't define me
I had clinic today. A chat with the oncology team to review any side effects and adjust medication, and taking of blood to ensure white cells are back up and well enough for the next round. All is OK and we're all set for Friday's treatment.
I mentioned the bone pain, and they'll give me extra steroids for that, however, when I came home I checked what I had been given and I think I have twice as many to take as last time anyway, so that might help. I also mentioned a trial I had read about, and which everyone on the forums already seems to know about. For those having chemotherapy for breast cancer, as well as pegfilgrastim injections, naproxen and loratadine were trialled to see if they ease the bone pain. Naproxen helped, but gave people other side effects to deal with. But Loratadine, an over the counter anti-histamine that is readily available, also helped -albeit to a lesser extent - and had no side effects. It didn't help everyone, but the conclusion was that it was worth a try. I asked my oncology team about it but they hadn't heard of it, so I emailed them the article link, and they'll ask Theresa about it when she's back tomorrow, just to check that she thinks it is safe.
After that I went back to work, and when I mentioned that to the nurse, I said "I don't want this [cancer, chemotherapy] to define me". I hadn't really thought about it until then, until this week, but it is true. I'm feeling as though it is my only topic of conversation, that when anyone asks, "how are you?" it is loaded. I popped over to an academic's office the other day, and one of his colleagues piped up with "Ahh, Emma! How ARE you?" and usually when this happens, it is followed by a question or a request. So I teased him about that, wondering what favour he needed and he said "No, I just wondered how you were". It was kind of him to ask. Usually the question is loaded as a forerunner to a work request. This time it was loaded with queries about my treatment and health.
I have really mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I want to talk about and share this experience. I want to be able to be honest, to help people understand, to show a face to cancer when so often people retreat to their homes and others don't see what it is really like. On the other hand, I don't want every conversation to be about it. But that is so hard when almost everything I do right now is framed by it.
Every day is a query about how the chemotherapy is affecting me, especially for the first week, and most of the second. On the third week, it's all about leading up to the next treatment. And this will go on for 12 weeks in total. At least it isn't longer.
But cancer, chemotherapy doesn't define me. I am wife, daughter, sister, friend, librarian. Just the same as I was before and will be afterwards. For a short time I am also patient. I must remind myself to be patient.
I mentioned the bone pain, and they'll give me extra steroids for that, however, when I came home I checked what I had been given and I think I have twice as many to take as last time anyway, so that might help. I also mentioned a trial I had read about, and which everyone on the forums already seems to know about. For those having chemotherapy for breast cancer, as well as pegfilgrastim injections, naproxen and loratadine were trialled to see if they ease the bone pain. Naproxen helped, but gave people other side effects to deal with. But Loratadine, an over the counter anti-histamine that is readily available, also helped -albeit to a lesser extent - and had no side effects. It didn't help everyone, but the conclusion was that it was worth a try. I asked my oncology team about it but they hadn't heard of it, so I emailed them the article link, and they'll ask Theresa about it when she's back tomorrow, just to check that she thinks it is safe.
After that I went back to work, and when I mentioned that to the nurse, I said "I don't want this [cancer, chemotherapy] to define me". I hadn't really thought about it until then, until this week, but it is true. I'm feeling as though it is my only topic of conversation, that when anyone asks, "how are you?" it is loaded. I popped over to an academic's office the other day, and one of his colleagues piped up with "Ahh, Emma! How ARE you?" and usually when this happens, it is followed by a question or a request. So I teased him about that, wondering what favour he needed and he said "No, I just wondered how you were". It was kind of him to ask. Usually the question is loaded as a forerunner to a work request. This time it was loaded with queries about my treatment and health.
I have really mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I want to talk about and share this experience. I want to be able to be honest, to help people understand, to show a face to cancer when so often people retreat to their homes and others don't see what it is really like. On the other hand, I don't want every conversation to be about it. But that is so hard when almost everything I do right now is framed by it.
Every day is a query about how the chemotherapy is affecting me, especially for the first week, and most of the second. On the third week, it's all about leading up to the next treatment. And this will go on for 12 weeks in total. At least it isn't longer.
But cancer, chemotherapy doesn't define me. I am wife, daughter, sister, friend, librarian. Just the same as I was before and will be afterwards. For a short time I am also patient. I must remind myself to be patient.
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