A big decision
I'm at risk of being a proper drama queen here, but I made a big decision over the weekend. I have decided not to try and work through this chemotherapy treatment. I am now officially on extended sick leave, and won't be back at work for another 8-9 weeks.
Everyone I have had contact with has told me what a good idea that is, and that they completely understand. Some may have been waiting for this day to come. I think others were hoping I would see the light, sooner or later, including Greg. In fact, I sense he is relieved. Others might be too. I hadn't quite realised how me trying to press on with work might be making other people anxious.
It is something I have had in mind from the start, but as you know, had wanted to avoid. Part of it is pride - wanting to keep my good sick record. Part of it is social - not wanting to become isolated. Part of it is wanting to continue with some normality. Part of it is not wanting my team or my work to suffer because of my absence. There is always so much to do.... Part of it is wanting to be more than just a cancer patient. I am fighting against being 'just' that at the moment, but actually, I don't entirely think I'm winning that one, and that makes me sad.
Almost the whole country had lots and lots of snow last week, and what with my various hospital trips and allergic reactions to the chemo, I was very emotionally up and down. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday we could only leave the house on foot due to the snow. Luckily, we'd stocked up the cupboards beforehand, so were ready and prepared! And Sydney loved prancing about in it all. We even managed a 4.2 mile walk on Saturday!
On Saturday and Sunday I was very emotionally fragile. I don't know why, but I was struggling and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Greg and I had a minor argument - nothing worth worrying about - but I had to retreat to the bedroom and cry for a bit. On Sunday, Greg managed to get the Discovery out and went shopping and I howled and cried in the shower. I needed to get it out of my system. I don't even know what I was crying for. Everything, I suppose.
I had been thinking about going back to work on Monday/Tuesday, ahead of the next attempt at Chemo on Wednesday, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn't face it. Physically, I haven't stopped shaking, even though I haven't had any drugs since Thursday. But it was emotional too. I wasn't sure I could face people, or deal with them, however well intentioned. I didn't feel I could carry on as normal, something I usually don't think twice about.
So I emailed my boss, and she called me back, and we had a lovely chat on the phone. She sounded like she had been waiting for this moment, and completely understood. I always knew she would. I also know she understands what mixed feelings I have about doing it.
The other side of things is that I do feel guilty. I feel I might be letting people down. That I am putting more pressure and work on lots of others, even though they all understand and just want me to take care of myself. That a lot of the time I will be absolutely fine and feel like a fraud. You know from my previous rant that in my view you need to be at deaths door before you take time off work, and for a lot of this treatment I will be having good days. I'm able to walk the dog, drive the car, get out and about. Yes, on other days I can't drive and will have bone aches from hell, so those days I feel justified in not working, but the guilt is in me on those good days.
And there is a bit of me that is absolutely delighted I am not at work. That I can do what I want, take my time over things, get the house decorated (maybe) and finish all those WIPs and UFOs (Work in Progress/Unfinished [craft] Objects) that wink at me from my craft cupboard! I've never not worked for any serious length of time, so it feels a delight and a luxury. Hence the guilt!
So I am getting my head around 'allowing' myself to take time and headspace to get through this treatment, and to nurture myself a little bit. To recognise that I need those good days to make up for some really horrible days ahead. And know that work is just work, and the important things will get done, and the ones that don't get done - well, its because they weren't the most important things.
But don't be a stranger. I am going to feel more and more isolated over the next few weeks if I don't get out and see people (and not just the inside of hospitals!), or perhaps have some visitors here. As long as you're not carrying a raging infection or have an inability to wipe your nose hygienically, please don't be afraid of coming to see me. I've already had to cancel one visit due to the snow, and a week away in the caravan because the chemo schedule is now screwed up, and I'm not feeling like I have much to look forward to. I can even see me getting bored of knitting, baking and walking Sydney!!!! So keep me entertained, eh folks? I may even bake you a cake.
Everyone I have had contact with has told me what a good idea that is, and that they completely understand. Some may have been waiting for this day to come. I think others were hoping I would see the light, sooner or later, including Greg. In fact, I sense he is relieved. Others might be too. I hadn't quite realised how me trying to press on with work might be making other people anxious.
It is something I have had in mind from the start, but as you know, had wanted to avoid. Part of it is pride - wanting to keep my good sick record. Part of it is social - not wanting to become isolated. Part of it is wanting to continue with some normality. Part of it is not wanting my team or my work to suffer because of my absence. There is always so much to do.... Part of it is wanting to be more than just a cancer patient. I am fighting against being 'just' that at the moment, but actually, I don't entirely think I'm winning that one, and that makes me sad.
Almost the whole country had lots and lots of snow last week, and what with my various hospital trips and allergic reactions to the chemo, I was very emotionally up and down. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday we could only leave the house on foot due to the snow. Luckily, we'd stocked up the cupboards beforehand, so were ready and prepared! And Sydney loved prancing about in it all. We even managed a 4.2 mile walk on Saturday! On Saturday and Sunday I was very emotionally fragile. I don't know why, but I was struggling and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Greg and I had a minor argument - nothing worth worrying about - but I had to retreat to the bedroom and cry for a bit. On Sunday, Greg managed to get the Discovery out and went shopping and I howled and cried in the shower. I needed to get it out of my system. I don't even know what I was crying for. Everything, I suppose.
I had been thinking about going back to work on Monday/Tuesday, ahead of the next attempt at Chemo on Wednesday, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn't face it. Physically, I haven't stopped shaking, even though I haven't had any drugs since Thursday. But it was emotional too. I wasn't sure I could face people, or deal with them, however well intentioned. I didn't feel I could carry on as normal, something I usually don't think twice about.
So I emailed my boss, and she called me back, and we had a lovely chat on the phone. She sounded like she had been waiting for this moment, and completely understood. I always knew she would. I also know she understands what mixed feelings I have about doing it.
The other side of things is that I do feel guilty. I feel I might be letting people down. That I am putting more pressure and work on lots of others, even though they all understand and just want me to take care of myself. That a lot of the time I will be absolutely fine and feel like a fraud. You know from my previous rant that in my view you need to be at deaths door before you take time off work, and for a lot of this treatment I will be having good days. I'm able to walk the dog, drive the car, get out and about. Yes, on other days I can't drive and will have bone aches from hell, so those days I feel justified in not working, but the guilt is in me on those good days.
And there is a bit of me that is absolutely delighted I am not at work. That I can do what I want, take my time over things, get the house decorated (maybe) and finish all those WIPs and UFOs (Work in Progress/Unfinished [craft] Objects) that wink at me from my craft cupboard! I've never not worked for any serious length of time, so it feels a delight and a luxury. Hence the guilt!
So I am getting my head around 'allowing' myself to take time and headspace to get through this treatment, and to nurture myself a little bit. To recognise that I need those good days to make up for some really horrible days ahead. And know that work is just work, and the important things will get done, and the ones that don't get done - well, its because they weren't the most important things.
But don't be a stranger. I am going to feel more and more isolated over the next few weeks if I don't get out and see people (and not just the inside of hospitals!), or perhaps have some visitors here. As long as you're not carrying a raging infection or have an inability to wipe your nose hygienically, please don't be afraid of coming to see me. I've already had to cancel one visit due to the snow, and a week away in the caravan because the chemo schedule is now screwed up, and I'm not feeling like I have much to look forward to. I can even see me getting bored of knitting, baking and walking Sydney!!!! So keep me entertained, eh folks? I may even bake you a cake.
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